Smack Talk 101 by Big Pete

Posted on Apr 7, 2016 in Family

Hi.  Big Pete Here.  I am guest authoring for Frank on his blog.  I grew up in the National City so I know a lot about smack talk. Smack talk is the number 1 skill for you to master if you hope to survive in my hood.

I live in West Barrio Logan these days which some people refer to as Coronado but I still call it the Hood.   This blog is about smack talking.  It’s about me teaching you some skills so that you can smack talk like a National City native too.

When Big Pete puts on his Chargers Jersey, Let the Smack Talk Begin 


Most People Can’t Smack Talk

Face it.  Most people choke under pressure.  Their minds cannot function in battle and that’s why they cannot smack talk.  They start saying things like, “But, you, I…you’re like a fat..I’m not stupid. You’re  the one thats stupid” and stuff that doesn’t make sense.

That’s where I come in.  I coach people on the simple way to smack talk.  It’s fool proof.   You can go in and be a winner with my method.  Stop choking.  Start winning.

Also, I noticed a lot of white people have a hard time with smack talk.  Like my brother in law Frank.  He can’t dance and he can’t smack talk.  I tried to teach him to dance but it didn’t work and he keeps dancing like this.  But I did create this pretty effective Smack Talk tutorial for him and even he can do it.

I tried to teach Frank to dance but he only remembers this one

awkward dance

My 3 Step Smack Talk Program

Can you remember 3 sentences?  Good.  Than that means you can leverage my 3 step program to win smack talk every time.

My 3 Step “Escalating Program” relies on hitting people where it counts in the simplest way possible.  The beauty of the program is that you could win after the very first step.  Then you walk away from your opponent with the least amount of effort on your part.

If you need to escalate to win the battle , you simply engage the next step which applies more strategic force against your enemy. The strategy is to subject your opponent to increasing levels of ridicule and embarrassment so they will slink away.

Put a bag on your head fool!  You’ve just been beaten by Big Pete’s 3 Step Program

embarrassed (1)

Step 1 – “Your Shirt”

This is your lead off.  So make sure you always remember this one.  This is also the least personal of 3 step program.  But that is by design.  You don’t need to come out with the atomic bomb to obliterate the guy, you just come in like a sniper and start with subtlety.

Here is it how it works.  If someone says for example, “Damn, Your Breath Smells Bad”, you reply,” Damn, your Shirt Smells Bad Bro!”  You simply repeat what they said but include “Your shirt” as the preface.  Fricken genius right?

Keep in mind. If you get as good as me you can improvise and start referencing their  body parts (like their skinny legs or their fat head or whatever instead of shirt). Or  you can reference other clothing such as their skinny jeans, or their backwards baseball cap.  I don’t advise it though until you have a few years of experience.  Improvising is more for the Masters, like me.

“Damn Bro, Your shirt is making my eyes water it smells so bad”


Step 2  – “Your Face”

Like I said my program is simple. If you can remember “Your Face” than you will always remember step 2.    Just remember, “Your face” ok?

Here is how it works.  If someone says something to you like,  “Man you are one ugly mother f’r”,  you simply reply, “Your Face is one ugly mother f’r”.  Step 2 is that simple.

You see how that works?  You essentially up’d the ante considerably by merely putting, “Your Face” in front of exactly what they said to you.

Hit em back hard with this.  Trust me.  People listening around you will laugh and you will laugh too which is absolutely ESSENTIAL in smack talk.  Make sure you make people laugh at the other guy.

“Your Face is One Ugly Mother F’r.” 


Step 3 – “Your Mother”

This is step 3. I also call it the Nuclear Option.  Once you push this button you have to be willing to land some blows because 27.4% of the time that might happen.  Again, only proceed to Step 3 if Step 2 was not successful.

Here is how it works.   Someone says , “Man you are so ugly”, you simply reply, “Your mother is so ugly that when she tried to join an ugly contest they said Sorry No Professionals.

As I said be prepared on this one.  Either you are going to flat out win, or you are going to have to break out your best Karate chops because there is going to be a fight.



Keep it Simple Stupid

So there you have it.  That’s my 3 step program.  My advice is keep it simple.  After you have mastered the art, then and only then should you improvise.  You gotta walk before you crawl.

Keep it simple.  Remember.  Your shirt.  Your Face. Your Mother.  You will never go wrong.

Big Pete from National City. Home of the Mile of Cars and Price Breakers.