The show for kids, by kids. A safe zone for progressive ideas where no dumb old people are parents are allowed.
5 Reasons FreeStyle Coke Machines Are A Horrible Thing for America
In 1985 after I graduated from High School, Coke was losing market share to Pepsi and they did something drastic – they changed their coke recipe. They sweetened it up a bit and called it “New Coke”. They tried to get it to taste more like Pepsi since in the 80’s Pepsi was taking the market by storm and Coca Cola was losing market share.
It was a horrible idea.
Our generation wanted nothing to do with this “New Coke” and we revolted and eventually got Coke to go back to “Coke Classic” within 3 months of launching New Coke. It was a coup and we managed to save an iconic American recipe from disappearing.
That was us. We were the hippies of the 80’s. Our Vietnam was “New Coke” and we got the hell out of there.
But something is emerging right now in the US. A new threat against coke, and American’s appear to be lining up like sheep, accepting it as our fate. Where are this generation of hippies? Will they stand up, like we did in the 80’s?
Coke is Under Attack Again
No they are not launching a new formula. And no they are not launching some new finagled flavor either. I mean yeah they are always launching new weird flavors of coke all over the world but this is something far far worse.
It’s these new damn machines called “FreeStyle Coke Machines”. FreeStyle coke machines were initially launched in 2009 but it is only in the last 2 years that they have caught the market by storm. I mean at least “new coke” tasted good. These new slick coke machines are pumping out horrible product.
And no one cares.
Patrick McKenna, a coke fanatic, and my brother, calls the machine “Digital Coke”. They are touch screen coke machines that will dispense 165 different soft drinks. Imagine that? 165 flavors right at your fingertips. The sky is the limit. All your dreams have come true. You’ve gone “freestyle” and you’ll never go back. right?
On the surface that sounds like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, but after a few trips to 5 guys you start to feel like Augustus Galoop and that you have fallen into a river of chocolate. It’s just too much, and it doesn’t taste good anymore.
So anyway, digital coke machines are the worst. Here are 5 reasons why I believe this to be so. These are 5 wake up calls to America. To America’s youth. To stand up. To rail against and get these machines banned the same way we banned New Coke in the 80’s because it was an affront to our favorite and most iconic American brand.
#1 Reason – Because Digital Coke Taste Like Garbage
Yes Digital Coke is revolutionary. Yes it’s convenient. But who cares if it taste like absolute garbage. And yes, you can’t argue it taste bad. You know what else is convenient? Toilet water, but you don’t drink that do you ?
Digital Coke, taste nothing like real coke yet America is embracing it like sheep the slaughterhouse. If they gave it a new name people would revolt yet they are quietly killing the coke brand with these machines. That is a real shame.
#2 Reason – It’s Not Coke Syrup in those Machines It’s Flavor Cartridges
Ever wonder how they get 165 flavors in one small machine when they used to need a huge machine to carry just 5 flavors? It’s because they use micro-cartridges that splash a little flavor into soda water. Who knows what is in those tiny micro-cartridges that can make so much flavor come out of a drop.
Do you really want to live in a world with robotic coke that has been so digitized it taste nothing like the original?
#3 Reason – Because People Take So Damn Long Trying to Choose Their Drinks
These machines have created a soft drink traffic jam. If you have ever gone to the machine there are so many options that it takes kids 2-3 minutes just to find the drink they want. Some people even create “suicide” drinks which involve choosing a splash of all 165 flavors in the machine.
We need to go back to a simpler time.
#4 Reason – Because Your Coke Becomes FrankenCoke
All 165 flavors share the same tubes and that spells disaster for the taste. One minute the coke machine is spewing out orange soda, the next minute grape soda, and the next minute the Coke that you wanted. The only thing you get is a frankenstein drink. It’s got to stop!
#5 Reason – Because America Needs It’s Coke Back
Day by day we are losing the battle. Theaters, restaurants, convenience stores are all adopting the new technology. And in this case the technology sucks. We are giving up our greatest brand for the sake of convenience. Fight back. Keep America Great Again!
Mexican Coke As the Future?
I think at this point, we may need to rely on our good neighbors to the south to save our American drink. The fact is that while America has been busy “Innovating”, Mexico has been busy creating great tasting coke in bottles using real sugar. Mexican Coke has come along way by doing the same thing for the last 50 years.
So as I leave you now, my advice is ditch the digital coke and pick up an icy Mexican Coke in a bottle if you want to really taste the future.
image courtesy of Huffington Post
Why do Monkey’s Suck so Much at Watering the Lawn?
Monkeys are good at many things. Eating bananas. Swinging on ropes. Throwing poop. They excel at those things. But they are not good at everything. Take for example – watering the lawn. Monkey’s suck at watering the lawn.
Patrick McKenna of the Monkey Research Institute had a theory about Monkey’s. He followed that theory and along with his passion of watering lawns created one of the most brilliant ideas of this century.
Patrick McKenna of the Monkey Research Institute
Monkey’s Don’t Have Thumbs
It was that simple. While pouring over research, Patrick realized that the reason that monkeys suck so much at watering lawns is that they do not have thumbs. Without a thumb, you cannot water a lawn.
Duh. You can’t water a lawn without a Thumb dummy.
A Postulated Scientific Theorem
Patrick submitted scientific research papers to the Scientific Research Institute of Trump (now defunct) with a postulated theorem of the ages. Trump hailed it as “great stuff by a great guy, with the absolute best science I have ever seen and I know a lot of very smart people that know a lot about science”
The logic is as follows. 1) Monkeys do not have thumbs. 2) To water the lawn you need a thumb. 3) Monkeys cannot water the lawn.
The theory was bounced around academic circles and generally accepted as absolute truth.
Introducing Monkey Thumb
Being the genius he is. Patrick thought to himself of an invention. The invention was brilliant. He called it “Monkey Thumb”.
It was practically practical. The monkey thumb was a mechanical thumb. The thumb would be given to monkeys that needed to water their lawn.
But in a stroke of genius he also realized that the much bigger market was for people. You see. People use thumbs to water their lawn. But their thumbs get very tired. Patrick’s Monkey Thumb invention could be used by people instead of their real thumbs when they watered the lawn. No more sore thumbs!
Now Available on QVC
Patrick will be selling the Monkey Thumb on QVC next week. Tune in. Because it will sell out! I’ll bet my monkey’s uncle it will.