I am a bit of a gym rat if going to the gym 20 minutes a day counts as that sort of thing. I love going to the gym and I like the people I meet there. Well, I guess I like most of the people I meet there.
There seem to be a host of characters that really annoy me; I mean they really get under my skin while I am working out. These people tend to lack gym etiquette or are perhaps just clueless as to others around them.
I decided to put together a list of those people. I changed names to protect the innocent but I think these characters exist at every gym in the nation. These are the 10 people at the gym that annoy everyone, but mostly me.
#1 – Mr FartMan Runs The Treadmill
It’s hard to run next to this guy. You know who I am talking about. You’re there on the treadmill and Mr Beefy climbs on the treadmill next to you and proceeds to fart without care or hindrance. He is a farting machine and the repetitive treadmill jogging seems to knock every bit of gas from. The worst part of the FartMan is that other people in the gym might be blaming you.
Recommendation – Get off the Equipment Quick before you get blamed for this guys dirty deeds.
#2 The Overly Comfortable Nude Conversationalist
I’m not much for being naked. When I shower at the gym, I quickly dry myself off and put on my clothes. I’m naked for 30 seconds top, which is why I am always surprised by the older naked guys that seem to lounge around in the locker room completely nude for hours. They are way too comfortable being nude and way too chatty for my liking. To top it off they’ll typically stand in awkward places where your forced to walk around them. There is literally no way to escape these chatty nudist – at least I haven’t found a way.
Recommendation – Try not to make eye contact, pull out your cell phone and pretend to type an email while you walk through the locker room to avoid them.
#3 – Ms. Gabby McCellPhone on The Elliptical Machine
When you are at the gym you should sweat, not chat on the phone. Inevitably I’ll hop on the elliptical machine ready to crunch out some serious cardio when this character makes there way to the machine next to mine. The conversation usually sounds meaningless and the lady is so pre-occupied with chatting that she never breaks a sweat. The gym is only a social outlet for Ms McCellPhone and she lets everyone around her know it with her loud conversations.
Recommendation – Convince FartMan to use the machine next to her.
#4 – The Guy that Has Fallen Deeply in Love with Himself (Again and Again)
I think every gym has this guy. He weighs about 1 buck 40 and has went to the gym to be with his one true love – himself. Glued to the mirror, this guy cannot get enough of us pumped up muscles and checks out every angle while he blazes through sets of 10 repetitions with the 20 pound dumbells. As he progresses through his workout his self obsession grows until the only two people in the gym are himself and his reflection – a match made in heaven.
Recommendation – Hide the 20 pound dumbbells, forcing him to find a new gym (preferably LA Fitness where he will fit in perfectly with the rest of his lot)
#5 – Super Soaker Sweat Man Sam
Super Soaker Sam is a Man you want to avoid. I encountered Super Soaker Sam on a few occassions and I immediately have to go home and shower. Super Soaker Sam is a guy that sweats profusely and then proceeds to fling the sweat everywhere while he is working out. He might do it with rapid head movements or in the case of the guy last week, wipe their brow with their hands and them fling it away – on you preferably. Be warned, if you get hit by this guys sweat the smell might linger with you for a long time.
Recommendation – Stay far away. Avoid this guy mostly towards the end of their workout when they are in full super soaker mode.
#6 – Tom Tightly and His Band of Shorty Shorts
This guy always requires a double take because you can’t believe its happening but then it hits your eyes. Upon first glance you might think he has taken accidentally wore his wife’s running shorts to the gym but after awhile you realize this guy just likes tight ass shorts and loves to wear them around the gym for all people to see.
Recommendation – Have a good laugh, this guy is usually harmless (as far was we know)
#7 – Holy Crap its Mr Gruntly!
This guy makes his presence known like it or not. He picks up large weights, does very short reps, grunts and or screams during each reputation and then loudly drops the weights to the floor like he has just set some sort or world record. Mr Gauntly is loud and proud and not afraid to let you know that are but a puny 98 pound weakling that he could kick sand all over at the beach.
Recommendation – Put on your headphones and turn the music up to 10 to drown this guy out.
#8 – Dirty Shirty McGurty
Dirty Shirty McGurty has one T Shirt for working out and one T-Shirt only. He does not own a washing machine and thus the single shirt is used day in and day out for all exercise related activity. You can actually smell Dirty Shirty McGurty throughout the gym and on hot days when things are particularly ripe he has been know to clear the gym out. This guy has been kicked out of a few clubs so he tends to gravitate to the upscale clubs where they are more tolerant of bad smells because of the excessive gym fees they charge.
Recommendation – Leave the gym, come back later.
#9 Menudo Reunion
You ever hear of Menudo? Well they are a boy band out of Latin America from the 70’s and for some reason my gym is literally crawling with groups of 5 guys that pal around like they are the second coming of Menudo. They hop on treadmills right next to each other, or exercise bikes and they will never leave each others sides. I half expect them to break out into a song and dance routine but they usually just spend time texting each other on their snapchats and twitters.
Recommendation – Don’t get between these guys and their clique because they will kick you so far into TJ you won’t know what hit you.#10 – Mr Pachouli I Come in Peace
#10 – Mr Pachouli I Come in Peace
Ah Pachouli.. Such a healthy and pungent smell reminiscent of the bohemian lifestyle. But of the gym? Not so much. Don’t get me wrong. Mr Pachouli is probably one of the nicest guys you will meet in the gym but his insistence on making sure everyone knows he is wearing pachouli makes him well, annoying. Since Pachouli is an oil the person wearing it doesn’t realize that as they heat up and start to sweat that the gym is literally permeated with their fragrance. I have gone into the gym at times and not sure if I am a Grateful Dead Concert or some sort of Berkeley Protest. Mr Pachouli has got to go.
Recommendation – Douse yourself in Hai Karate and ask him if you can work in a few sets with him.
So those are my top 10 most annoying people in the gym. Did I leave anybody out. Let me know and thanks for reading.
Now Halsey is a little genius. Her mom brought Sam Seagull’s Quite Poorly to a book store in Soho for story hour and they read the book to all the children. Watch as Halsey goes overboard to help her Uncle promote the book. Her animation is over the top and she is really rallying the kids here. Thank you Halsey!
Halsey is here to read to you Sam Seagull’s Quite Pooply.
Since 1975 as a young toddler growing up in National City, Pete was destined to become a life long Charger fan. Before he could even walk or talk he was dancing to the San Diego SuperChargers song in his pampers.
Things didn’t change much over the years. Players and coaches came and went. Gene Klein sold the Chargers to the Spanos family. Chargers experienced highs during the Coryell and Ross days, and tremendous lows during the Ryan Leaf days. But Pete, like many San Diego hardcore fans stayed tried and true blue and gold to his team.
An Unholy Alliance
In 2015, the Chargers were about to try the patience and loyalties of even the truest Charger fans in San Diego. A greedy Dean Spanos, interested in capitalizing on the NFL’s dramatic rise in popularity was out for cold blooded money from Southern California.
He was ready to move the Chargers from San Diego to Los Angeles and he was going to burn the city of San Diego down in the process.
A grinning Spanos conjures up a dastardly plan.
Spanos proposed moving the Chargers to Los Angeles – well Carson actually. Not only that but he hatched a plan to partner with their deepest longest running rivals the Oakland Raiders to share a stadium.
Now, Carson is no San Diego believe me. With its oil refineries, smoggy skies and entrenched Raider fan base, Carson is basically a hell hole for a Charger fan. Carson is neighbors with Compton by the way if that give you an idea of how well loved the Raiders are there.
To a Charger fan, leaving San Diego is the ultimate blow, but leaving San Diego to go to Carson and partner with the Raiders? There could not be a more unholy alliance or plan ever hatched.
A War is Waged
A former Marine, Pete is not one to lay down and let a greedy grinning Spanos root up his team to Carson so he waged a one man war to protest the move. Pete said, “I will not rest until the fight is over. And the fight will never be over. And I will never rest”
I Join the Battle
Not one to leave a former Marine, Charger Fan, Brother in Law alone to fight the battle. I joined Pete on Monday at a Charger rally and Forum by corporate politicos more interested in damage control than solutions.
We got there a little late and they would not let us in. Typical Charger Modus Operandi. They probably saw Pete coming and shuttered the door knowing that he was about to release a furious fury on the fat docker wearing politicians.
Two Chaps will fight the Odds to Keep their Chargers at Home.
A Battle will Wage
Me and Pete have been fans for years and we just can’t tell you how much it means to us to keep the Chargers in San Diego. And we’re not alone. There were plenty of diehard fans there and we met them.
San Diegan’s uniting for their team.
The Chargers will Stay
We have convinced ourselves that the Chargers will in fact stay in San Diego. There seems to be no possible good explanation for Spanos moving the Chargers to Carson when he has so much going for him in San Diego. There is only one reason he would move and that would MONEY. So if he moves we will know he has zero loyalty to his fan base and that will be it for us.
He vows to fight until the bitter end.
A One Man War but an Army Will Join
Maybe it started as a one man war but an army will join Pete on the streets. With fire launchers, grenades and any other tool that we can, we will fight and win the battle. Here is Pete leading the way.
For going on the better part of 20 years, my persistent brother Bill has been leaving me voicemail messages from various characters and personas. Inevitably, when he can’t reach me and gets my voicemail, I will get a call much like the one that you are going to listen to.
He never disguises his voice, and with caller ID, I can clearly see that the voicemail messages come from his phone, but he will still leave them for me and they are quite interesting.
In almost all cases they are from an attorney, a detective, an investigator or a would be client that is interested or upset about whatever business or company that I happen to be working with at the time. He will always weave in an angle that has something to do with “poop”, “hernias”, or other embarrassing things. There have probably been at lest 20-30 of these characters through the years.
Here are a few of the ones I recall
1995 – The SkidMark Detective
In 1995 there was the “SkidMark Detective” that wanted to contact me regarding possible neighbors he was investigating for potential skid mark crimes. I was working as a fraud investigator and “Skip Tracer” at the time locating people and would often call neighbors to try to locate suspects of people I was looking for.
1999 – Mobile Hernia Check Van Recruiter
In 1999, I got a call from a recruiter wanting to know if I was interested in becoming a driver for one of their Mobile Hernia Van’s that would tour the city doing “Free Hernia Checks” for guys. Full training program was provided so no experience was necessary.
2009 – The “Magic Jack” Prospect
I used to use a phone service from a company called Magic Jack and for some reason when it rolled to message it would announce “magic jack”. Well a got a message from a one “Howard” who was very interested in what sort of services I might be offering with a name like “Magic Jack” and what sort of things we could arrange because he’d never heard of something as appealing as a “Magic Jack”.
2015 – Patent Attorney
And, well tonight, I got a call from one Hal Fleishman, an attorney wanting to go “mano a mano” for a patent and copyright infringement of my company with his company. Ultimately of course looking to duel it out with a sword fight.