While watching the Jetsons this weekend, I realize just how miserably technology has failed us in the last 50 years. We were supposed to be much further along the technology curve riding in space ships and having practically everything taken care of. As a kid, I was thinking we would have most of this stuff by now, but here is a list of ways that we have been ripped off.
Food Machines, Where are they?
What happened to the machine where we were supposed to be able to hit “Irish Stew” and have it pop out piping hot in front of us 5 seconds later. Never happened. Flying Pizza? Sure I’ll have one. What’s That? It still doesn’t exist! Come on now.
We are still brushing our own teeth, Why is that?
Well here we are. It’s 2015 and I still have to sit there brushing my own teeth. Back and forth. It hurts my arms! There were supposed to be machines by now that let me sleep while they scrub my teeth and then shower me and then dress me. All I was supposed to do was lift my arms up so the clothes could be put on.
Kid Space Ships Never Happened.
The Jetsons used to pop Junior in the spaceship, push a button and then send him off to school in a self driving space ship. I haven’t see those happen yet. Why not? There has been plenty of time and the way kids are these days, I’m getting tired of driving around so much. It seems like somebody should be on this and making it happen. It would save us lots of time and besides it looks fun for the kiddy kids.
We Still Don’t Have Robot Maids
Rosie the Robot Maid used to do absolutely everything for the Jetsons. Not only that but she had a caring and motherly personality. Exactly the type of robot maid one would want. We’re still forced to deal with human maids. They’re slow and sometimes complain and even require days off. Where are our Robot Maids?!
The Turn off the Boss Button (Still Not Available)
George Jetson used to have an awesome panoramic desk with just a few buttons and a big display. The most popular button was right in the middle of the desk and he would use it to shut off his boss. It was a great little piece of useful technology but it was never made available to the general public.
Space Rocket Helmets are a Long Way Off
Given the fact that we are just starting to get Electric Cars and space travel going, I am not going to hold my breath waiting for the space rocket helmets that we should have had by now. They looked fun and convenient.
Space Busses – Any hope of those?
Rosie the Robot Maid used to take cool space busses home everyday. They were on these long poles up in the sky but I think these are still a long way off.
Totally Automated Manicure and Haircut Machine
This machine promised a very relaxing and totally automated day at the nail and hair salon but these are still nowhere in sight.
So there you have it. Obviously technology has failed us. As a human race we should have been much further along than we are today. I guess we’ll have to wait another 50 years. Hurry it up though, I still want to try that flying pizza.
Face it. It is a little annoying isn’t it? Everywhere you go, everyone is swanking around town like they’re Gods gift to the world, puckering their cheeks, making cute kissing faces and snapping selfies. Ughh, that word. SELFIES, it even sounds annoying.
And now people are swagging around with their phones on sticks so they can make it look like someone else took the picture. RUBBISH. Can you imagine John Wayne or Ernest Hemingway taking a selfie? Ya think Ronald Reagan ever took one? Not on your life pal. Maybe a self portrait and that is if they even had a camera or even cared what they hell anyone else thought. Selfies my ass.
Introducing Selfie Stick 2.0
Thanks to modern technology or perhaps just to spite it, we’re proud to launch Selfie Stick 2.0. This new generation of selfie stick will appeal to a broad, broad swath of society.
Yet, instead of being inspired by and launched by millennials this new stick will draw from a more old fashioned and time tested technology. It’s the original stick we sometimes refer to as “The Cane”.
Selfie Stick 2.0 is technology at its finest. Simple, Intuitive and Solves a Big Problem.
Selfie Stick Operating Procedures
Selfie Stick 2.0 comes with a rather simple operating manual. The steps are really quite simple. There are only 3
Step 1 – Spot The Opportunity.
See someone taking a particularly annoying selfie and feel the inner rage boiling over inside you? Now there is something you can do about it. Quickly grip your Selfie Stick 2.0 and approach the subject.
Uh oh. Someone needs to be taught a lesson. Grip your Selfie Stick 2.0 and approach.
Step 2 – Hit Repeatedly.
Unleash your pent up anger and wipe that duck face off the subjects face and show them the err of their ways. Feel free to really let them have it.
I didn’t fight in WW2 just for this fool to wreck everything good on God’s Green Earth.
Step 3 Congratulate Yourself.
Reflect a moment and let it all soak in how you are making the world a better place. Face it. For every selfie taken, an angel somewhere in heaven begins to cry. By ridding the world of selfies, one at a time you are not only saving our country but you’re making angels happier.
Thumbs up you early adopter Selfie Stick 2.0 Man
We’ve all been there, tearing down the road at 90 miles an hour and watching the seconds tick by in slow motion. You’re sweating. You’re not sure if you’re going to make it. You’re driving too fast and too recklessly but you have a single minded focus to make it to the bathroom before you explode.
Now, you might not be intoxicated but one thing is for sure. You’re driving erratically. You’re driving Too Fast. You’re not in your right mind. And I got news for you – you are breaking the law. You are DWD – Driving with Diarrhea and it’s a crime – a serious one actually.
In California, it is now against the law to drive with Diarrhea. While lawmakers point to the need to make the roads safer from the reckless behavior caused by diarrhea drivers, many other factors were included in the decision to clamp down on drivers that may have imbibed on too much Indian Food or Cheesy Chili Fries from the local taco joint.
Not only can people with Diarrhea not swim anymore in most pools. Now they cannot drive on most roads.
So why is Diarrhea driving so bad? It’s bad because the CHP doesn’t like it and doesn’t want it on any road in the state. Read what one CHIP’s Officer thinks on the subject – Officer Poncherello of CHIPS.
Even Ex-Hearthrob Ponch of CHIPS thinks it’s a bad idea.
Reason 1 – DWD Can Turn a Courteous Driver Bad to the Bone
Now normally, I am the most courteous driver on the road. If an old lady steps off the curb, I am the first to stop. When someone needs to make a left hand turn in front of on-coming traffic, I will stop and hold up the cars behind so they can proceed. I am the nicest guy on the road.
Now, when I find myself on the road with diarrhea all bets are off. I will run anyone off the road if I need to. Old ladies, handicapped people in wheelchairs, nuns and priest – all of them better watch out because I will run them over to make it to the bathroom. You see, DWD can turn even the most courteous driver into a lunatic.
A normally courteous driver’s friendly wave will turn to middle fingers to all he passes when he diarrhea drives.
Reason #2 – DWD will not get you out of a ticket
Your speeding down the road with Diarrhea and the worst case scenario occurs – you get pulled over by the CHP. Now the average ticket can take up to 20 minutes to complete and for a diarrhea driver that is an eternity.
You can try the excuse, “Officer I was speeding because I had diarrhea” but the fact is don’t expect them to turn their lights on and give you an escort to the bathroom. No, they’re going to slap a big ticket and maybe jail time.
Reason #3 – Maybe You Think DWD Just Hurts You, But it Hurts Everyone.
Got kids in the car? Promised your husband you’d drive him home after dinner? Need to get back after a party? Thinking about driving and Got Diarrhea? Then Think Again. Diarrhea drivers cause more accidents than you think.
Since Diarrhea drivers typically drive without regard for human life and essentially have no idea what is happening around them, they not only risk hurting themselves but everyone in the car and everyone on the road.
This maniac lady thought it would be a good idea to diarrhea drive her family home after the movies. Bad Idea Lady.
Reason #4 – Remember It’s Just a Pair of Pants
You can buy them at WalMart for less than $20. In fact you probably have a few pairs sitting at home that you can change into. Nothing is worse than driving recklessly and hurting someone while under the influence of diarrhea.
It may seem that you’re world is crumbling all around you but remember, its just a pair of pants.
Reason #5 – Because Ponch Can Dance like This And You Cannot.
Now everyone knows Ponch was a dream and as a cop, well he was the tops too. But did you know he could dance. If there ever was a reason not to diarrhea drive this is it. By the way, notice how intently Officer Jon Baker watches on as his partner – Ponch – wows the crowd. I never noticed it before but I can swear Officer Jon is giving Poncherello those googly eyes if you know what I’m saying.
This is Patrick. He hates Watermelons. I’m not talking about a “oh I hate the taste of watermelons” type of hate. I’m talking blind uncontrollable rage. He seemingly cannot control himself and is out to destroy every watermelon that crosses his path.
Hide your watermelons, because this man will destroy them.
In 1975 Dad bought us a Pet Chicken. Not a cute puppy. Not a kitten like other kids had. No, we got a pet chicken. And we named the chicken Eggatha.
Ironically Eggatha only laid a few eggs during her time with us and the eggs themselves never amounted to much. In fact we tried to incubate the egg by putting it under a light bulb but several weeks later the egg exploded as it was fully cooked inside. The light had turned Eggatha’s single egg – hardboiled.
The Knights of the Chicken Watch
Dad was a certified genius at finding ways to keep all his kids occupied with meaningless mind numbing task. With 12 kids you need to keep them occupied at all times or you will have complete chaos.
It was shortly after Eggatha arrived that dad invented a task called “Chicken Watching”. Dad didn’t like Eggatha to be cooped up all day, so he pioneered something called “Free Range Chicken” which is where you let the chicken run free around the backyard. A free range chicken is a happy chicken. And we wanted to make sure that Eggatha was the happiest chicken in the world.
The only catch with a free range chicken is that they might break free and escape so Free Range chickens according to Dad required a “Guard” to stand watch over them. So, Dad assigned each boy in the family a time slot to watch the chicken.
Your task was simple. Watch the chicken at all times. Do not let the chicken escape the backyard. We were Knights of the Chicken Watch. Over the years (or what seemed like years) we kept the chicken contained. I am proud to say that Chicken never escaped our sights or that backyard!
It’s hard to believe but this rag-tag group managed to keep that chicken contained with zero escapes.
A Laser Focused Mind
God forbid the chicken escape on your watch so you watched that chicken like a hawk. I mean you laser focused on every move that chicken made.
If it looked like Eggatha was going to make a break for it and run through the gate you needed to quickly blockade the exit and keep the chicken in the backyard. It was a classic cat and mouse game with eggatha except the cat was the boy and the mouse was the chicken (or maybe the other way around).
In any case, you do not realize how brutal a task this was. And Chicken Watching required long shifts. Usually two hours at a time. By the time you finished watching the chicken your mind and body were numb with exhaustion. You plop on the bed and just go to sleep you are so tired. To this day, I cannot believe we managed to get through those years of chicken watching.
Sweeping the floor seemed interesting and fascinating compared to chicken watching and required far less attention or stress.
A Coup D Grace Ends the Brutality
Over the years, my and my bro’s invested a lot into that chicken. You don’t realize the bond that is created between a boy and a chicken during those long hours of watching the chicken.
I refer to it as Stolkhom Syndrome in reverse where the captor begins to feel love and empathy for the hostage that is making their lives miserable. Eggatha was making her way into our hearts with each move she made. It’s amazing to get into the psychology of it all.
Well, Dad put an end to that one day when he unceremoniously and unannounced gave the chicken to a cab driver as payment for a ride home from a bar. Just like that, Eggatha was gone and she didn’t even have to run away to escape.
To this day I have never been able to reconcile the sheer number of hours we spent watching the chicken so it wouldn’t run away with the ease at which dad gave away the chicken for a 3 minute cab ride home. And I oft find myself wondering why a Taxi driver would accept a chicken in lieu of cash? We lived in different days back then.
Our chicken watching days were over. Were our lives better? I don’t know. I cannot answer that question but I can tell you to this day there is heavy sadness and a loss of a sense of purpose that we still carry with us.
A heartbroken Danny smiles through the tears which you see welling up in his eyes..
Captured Footage Proves it Happened
In case this story seems unbelievable, let me leave you with this footage captured by my dad while we watched the chicken.
Just as an FYI. That rabbit was never part of Chicken Watching duty and only lasted in our house for a few weeks before it ran away. So, it just goes to show how effective our chicken watching actually was.